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MADE IN CORK... EXPORTED TO LONDON,PARIS AND DUBLIN IT IS FROM THE CAPITAL OF IRELAND THAT I AM ADDRESSING THE WORLD - SO PAY ATTENTION. HERE YOU WILL FIND GOOD BANTER, STORIES, LIES AND MORE LIES.MAYBE YOU MIGHT LIKE MY SHORT STORIES, LETTERS, ARTICLES OR POEMS. IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE TELL THE WORLD, IF NOT KEEP YOUR BLOODY MOUTH SHUT.

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2009-09-14

FIFTH LETTER TO THE TAOISEACH

The Taoiseach
Dail Eireann
Dublin 2
Date as postmark
Dear Taoiseach,
EUREKA ….. EUREKA …. EUREKA!
I have found it this time…. Move over Archimedes … move over Isaac Newton and likewise Mr Einstein … there’s a new kid on the block.
Taoiseach we are in Nobel Prize winning territory here!
Least you think I have completely lost my marbles this time let me quickly explain.
I was roaming through Superquinn when I spotted the little beauty.
“ Jes”, said I to myself but look at the chicken with the suntan. On closer examination of the packaging I discovered that this brown colouring was due to the fact that the chicken was fed corn when he was flapping about on Terra Firma. Luckily I had my lateral thinking cap firmly placed on my head at the time and this got me thinking.
The image of Mary Harney came rushing to my mind!
Did I not hear her say that she was dispatching Mr Drumm to get rid of all the sun beds in Ireland due to the cancer scare? My God, Taoiseach, this you’re the lucky man to have the likes of me working feverishly on the ground for you.
There and then the idea struck me. Like all the great ideas this came in a flash. I was putting two and two together and every time was coming up with four.
Taoiseach here is!
If chickens can get a suntan why can’t humans. If we feed the population corn (and let’s face it when NAMA is finished with us that will probably be the stable diet of the nation) eventually we would all break out into a nice brownish glow. We would have a country full of Barrack Obama lookalikes in no time. Taoiseach I am so excited about this that I have put your training schedule on hold – this has to be top priority now. The big comeback and turnabout is underway in earnest for you. The black days are receding - just for a few moments s think of the possibilities:
· Getting rid of the sun bed would rid the country of a very dangerous weapon - think of the huge savings in the health bill for the nation resulting from this action.
· With the entire population munching corn the take-away joints would be forced to close with the drop in business, thereby producing less litter on the streets thus saving on council cleaning services
· The possabities for the export market would be huge – seeing Ireland as a country of film stars - with a permanent glow on every face and a trim figure on every inhabitant (without our sausages, rashers and black pudding the weight would be falling off us faster than our summer rain) other countries would want to get in on the act quam celerrime. They would queue up to import the famous corn by the shipload – now stick that one to the IMF and see their reaction.
· The balance of payment... the possibilities go on and on.
· While all this is going on the people might forget about NAMA.
Now Taoiseach I am warning you - keep the civil servants away from this one.
The controlled human trials could get under way without delay. I would suggest that you pick your people for the trials very carefully – like for instance men and women who wear the pioneer pin. In this way you can be sure that with that calibre of person there would be no possibility that they would be sneaking away at night-time for porter and battered burgers - as this would play havoc with any trials. It might be a handy job for the Ceann Comhairle John O Donohue (and get you out of a fix) for him to head up the operation. It might also be good for the poor beleaguered taxpayer to see the removal of a man that single handily could run up a second national debt.
The Curragh or the Bog of Allen would be favoured locations for the trials.
Now Taoiseach I am sure you realise that I have pulled the rabbit out of the hat for you this time; grab your opportunity with both hands.

Is Mise le Meas
James A. Archer
PS When is the white paper due out on the greyhounds?




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