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MADE IN CORK... EXPORTED TO LONDON,PARIS AND DUBLIN IT IS FROM THE CAPITAL OF IRELAND THAT I AM ADDRESSING THE WORLD - SO PAY ATTENTION. HERE YOU WILL FIND GOOD BANTER, STORIES, LIES AND MORE LIES.MAYBE YOU MIGHT LIKE MY SHORT STORIES, LETTERS, ARTICLES OR POEMS. IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE TELL THE WORLD, IF NOT KEEP YOUR BLOODY MOUTH SHUT.

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2009-08-24

FOURTH LETTER TO THE TAOISEACH

THE TAOISEACH
DAIL EIREANN
DUBLIN 2
Date as postmark
Dear Taoiseach

Phew! Am I a relieved man?
I heard from your secretary (SD) that you did not have any act or part in the You Tube affair, and that it was a stupid impersonator that caused you all that grief. Taoiseach it restored my faith in your good self. But before you can relax into your soft chair let me warn you of another disaster lurking in the shadows. There are people surrounding you who are intent on bringing you down by their ridiculous suggestions. Chief among those is that Green Minister – the Minister with the bicycle clips.
That’s a dangerous bucko!
That fellow could do more damage that Pontius Pilate. I heard him say with my own two ears that there was a shortage of water in Ireland and they would have no option but to introduce a water charge in the next budget. I was furious. So I hopped on my bike and off I went to Brittas Bay. To the untrained eye there did not appear to be any less water in the sea than last year – so I thought to myself that the shortage might be on the other side, so I phoned my cousin in Dingle and he assured me that everything seemed to be in order there. He also stated that he had received a letter from his daughter in Nantucket that very day and there no mention that the sea had disappeared there either. After exhaustive research I established that the Shannon and Lough Neagh had not suddenly dried up and that the Three Sisters were still intact.
Taoiseach this water shortage is a ruse and unless you rein that fellow in, he will do more damage than the last budget. These Green fellows are not like you or I. We would tuck into a good feed of corn beef and cabbage – no these boyos are munching at salads and fiddling around with corn on the cob! It’s no wonder their old heads go soft. Give these fellows any latitude and God only knows where they will drag this country.
It was very disappointing to find out that the Lads in the Indo thought you were spending too much time in the snug. Now I must confess that I’m no skinflint myself -corpulent to put it mildly - but I must admit that when you emerged to greet the world after your vacation, you seemed to be carrying a fair bit of condition. I know you have more chicken suppers thrown at you than Tom Jones has panties, but nonetheless it is your duty to button up the old gob – after all what will Mrs Sarkozy think of you.
Image is very important as you well know. Look at the metamorphosis that happened when Bertie took the crown. He hung up the old anorak, donned his Armani and he never
looked back …. Even the Dublin supporters hardly recognised him.
Having looked at all the dieting options out there I have come to the conclusion that the cabbage water diet is the job for you. There is no shortage of cabbage in your constituency - in fact I would say plentiful - and your driver could have a flask at the ready day and night. A mug or two of that would make short work of the hunger pangs. Another bonus of this particular diet is that the porter tastes absolutely vile after a cupful of the same. This would irradicate any temptation to dive into the snug especially late at night when most damage is done.
I will forward you a detailed aerobic training programme when I get the time, but for now I must rush – the wife is blowing the horn in the driveway….. She is taking me down to get my swine flu injection.

Is Mise Le Meas

James A. Archer

PS. What is Nama?

2009-08-10







THIRD LETER TO THE TAOISEACH



Taoiseach
Dail Eireann
Dublin

Dear Taoisech

I am hopping mad!
I did not intend to write to you so soon but the matter deserves instant action. The IMF are waiting in Dublin bay, the whole country is up in arms after the McCarthy report, Willie O Dea is selected as one of the most attractive men in shoe leather…….. and the black clouds of revolution are gathering !

And what do you do
Take off your cloths on YOU TUBE.
I’m raging! Raging!
Here was I thinking that you had taken yourself away to a quiet little corner to consider my earlier proposals or indeed that you might even be tucked away in the snug in Tullamore blasting out a few verses of the Rocks of Bawn.
No you were stripping off for YOU TUBE.
When I think of it , if DeValera or Lemass were alive today they’d be dancing in their graves.
You have besmirched the name of this proud nation …. THE LAND OF SAINTS AND SCHOLARS!
You are a disgrace not only to Ireland but to the Offaly jersey and your rehabilitation after this outrage will be slow and tortuous.
When the wife saw you “performing” she said you could be going through the male menopause but I think myself you picked up those antics at Trinity! God know what goes in there.
Oh when I think of you stripping off in front of the world and Willie picking up awards the words of Mr Yeats comes flooding into my mind.
“Two terrible beauties were born”
I’ll go now ……… the wife has my blood pressure tablets ready for me.

Mise le Meas

James A Archer

PS Please tell me it was not you but an impersonator to restore my faith in mankind.

2009-08-05

Second letter to the Taoiseach

The Taoiseach
Dail Eireann
Dublin
Date as postmark
Dear Taoiseach,

I was very pleased that you responded to my last letter so swiftly and that you are setting up a joint Oireachtas committee to examine my suggestions.
To follow up I have another idea that you may consider and I would never have thought of it myself only that I was looking at The National Geographic station on the telly and low and behold what crops up on the screen before my eyes but a smaller version of our own greyhounds. About twenty per cent smaller…….
“Jez” said I, wouldn’t these fellows be ideal for people living in apartments, flats and bed sets.
Only one problem- these greyhound are in Guatemala!
And then I thought that you could send a delegation from the Dail headed up the Ceann Comhairle John O Donaghue. (a man with a good greyhound background in Kerry and handy with a bob - our bobs). I ‘m pretty sure these Dail boys could pick up a job lot of greyhounds at the right price. When I did further research I found out that Porto-Nova is the official capital of Guatemala but the government sit in Cotonou……. Ideal I thought these fellows are as confused as ourselves!
NAMA - remember you set them up - will have bags of fields and no idea what to do with them .
Taoiseach here is your answer!
Build greyhound stadiums on these fields all over the country – the construction alone will immediately take one hundred thousand off the live register. Like Mr Lowry don’t bother your ass about planning permission. The organisation and training of these hounds would be based on the GAA model ……..county by county basis.
The idea would be that we would have a kind on an All-Ireland for greyhounds.
Heats could be run off in the new stadiums and a selection committee could then select the teams of dogs to represent the county. Naturally the greyhounds would wear the county colours. Red for Cork …. Blue for the Dublin hounds etc …
The points system would be easy …….
Six points for a win…
Five for second and so on
Each team would consist of six greyhounds and three subs. The team with the greatest number of points would be crowned the All-Ireland champions. Instead of issuing medals the idea would be to give every hound a slab of Madra dog food …well in keeping with the Irish theme.
Paddy Power would be in charge of the betting.
If by chance any tourist strayed into the country to see the racing it could be explained that the Kilkenny dogs are actually dogs and not cats …. Lest they think we are blinkin mad!
Taoiseach, I am sure that by now I have established my credentials as a lateral thinker of exceptional talent, perhaps you might consider me for a small advisory role in the department…… I don’t even want a motor car!
I have to go now because the wife is ringing the GP to get my medication reduced.
Mise le Meas
James A. Archer

James A Archer