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The Taoiseach
Dail Eireann
Dublin 2
Date as postmark
Dear Taoiseach,
I have found it this time…. Move over Archimedes … move over Isaac Newton and likewise Mr Einstein … there’s a new kid on the block.
Taoiseach we are in Nobel Prize winning territory here!
Least you think I have completely lost my marbles this time let me quickly explain.
I was roaming through Superquinn when I spotted the little beauty.
“ Jes”, said I to myself but look at the chicken with the suntan. On closer examination of the packaging I discovered that this brown colouring was due to the fact that the chicken was fed corn when he was flapping about on Terra Firma. Luckily I had my lateral thinking cap firmly placed on my head at the time and this got me thinking.
The image of Mary Harney came rushing to my mind!
Did I not hear her say that she was dispatching Mr Drumm to get rid of all the sun beds in Ireland due to the cancer scare? My God, Taoiseach, this you’re the lucky man to have the likes of me working feverishly on the ground for you.
There and then the idea struck me. Like all the great ideas this came in a flash. I was putting two and two together and every time was coming up with four.
Taoiseach here is!
If chickens can get a suntan why can’t humans. If we feed the population corn (and let’s face it when NAMA is finished with us that will probably be the stable diet of the nation) eventually we would all break out into a nice brownish glow. We would have a country full of Barrack Obama lookalikes in no time. Taoiseach I am so excited about this that I have put your training schedule on hold – this has to be top priority now. The big comeback and turnabout is underway in earnest for you. The black days are receding - just for a few moments s think of the possibilities:
· Getting rid of the sun bed would rid the country of a very dangerous weapon - think of the huge savings in the health bill for the nation resulting from this action.
· With the entire population munching corn the take-away joints would be forced to close with the drop in business, thereby producing less litter on the streets thus saving on council cleaning services
· The possabities for the export market would be huge – seeing Ireland as a country of film stars - with a permanent glow on every face and a trim figure on every inhabitant (without our sausages, rashers and black pudding the weight would be falling off us faster than our summer rain) other countries would want to get in on the act quam celerrime. They would queue up to import the famous corn by the shipload – now stick that one to the IMF and see their reaction.
· The balance of payment... the possibilities go on and on.
· While all this is going on the people might forget about NAMA.
Now Taoiseach I am warning you - keep the civil servants away from this one.
The controlled human trials could get under way without delay. I would suggest that you pick your people for the trials very carefully – like for instance men and women who wear the pioneer pin. In this way you can be sure that with that calibre of person there would be no possibility that they would be sneaking away at night-time for porter and battered burgers - as this would play havoc with any trials. It might be a handy job for the Ceann Comhairle John O Donohue (and get you out of a fix) for him to head up the operation. It might also be good for the poor beleaguered taxpayer to see the removal of a man that single handily could run up a second national debt.
The Curragh or the Bog of Allen would be favoured locations for the trials.
Now Taoiseach I am sure you realise that I have pulled the rabbit out of the hat for you this time; grab your opportunity with both hands.

Is Mise le Meas
James A. Archer
PS When is the white paper due out on the greyhounds?



Date as postmark
Dear Taoiseach

Phew! Am I a relieved man?
I heard from your secretary (SD) that you did not have any act or part in the You Tube affair, and that it was a stupid impersonator that caused you all that grief. Taoiseach it restored my faith in your good self. But before you can relax into your soft chair let me warn you of another disaster lurking in the shadows. There are people surrounding you who are intent on bringing you down by their ridiculous suggestions. Chief among those is that Green Minister – the Minister with the bicycle clips.
That’s a dangerous bucko!
That fellow could do more damage that Pontius Pilate. I heard him say with my own two ears that there was a shortage of water in Ireland and they would have no option but to introduce a water charge in the next budget. I was furious. So I hopped on my bike and off I went to Brittas Bay. To the untrained eye there did not appear to be any less water in the sea than last year – so I thought to myself that the shortage might be on the other side, so I phoned my cousin in Dingle and he assured me that everything seemed to be in order there. He also stated that he had received a letter from his daughter in Nantucket that very day and there no mention that the sea had disappeared there either. After exhaustive research I established that the Shannon and Lough Neagh had not suddenly dried up and that the Three Sisters were still intact.
Taoiseach this water shortage is a ruse and unless you rein that fellow in, he will do more damage than the last budget. These Green fellows are not like you or I. We would tuck into a good feed of corn beef and cabbage – no these boyos are munching at salads and fiddling around with corn on the cob! It’s no wonder their old heads go soft. Give these fellows any latitude and God only knows where they will drag this country.
It was very disappointing to find out that the Lads in the Indo thought you were spending too much time in the snug. Now I must confess that I’m no skinflint myself -corpulent to put it mildly - but I must admit that when you emerged to greet the world after your vacation, you seemed to be carrying a fair bit of condition. I know you have more chicken suppers thrown at you than Tom Jones has panties, but nonetheless it is your duty to button up the old gob – after all what will Mrs Sarkozy think of you.
Image is very important as you well know. Look at the metamorphosis that happened when Bertie took the crown. He hung up the old anorak, donned his Armani and he never
looked back …. Even the Dublin supporters hardly recognised him.
Having looked at all the dieting options out there I have come to the conclusion that the cabbage water diet is the job for you. There is no shortage of cabbage in your constituency - in fact I would say plentiful - and your driver could have a flask at the ready day and night. A mug or two of that would make short work of the hunger pangs. Another bonus of this particular diet is that the porter tastes absolutely vile after a cupful of the same. This would irradicate any temptation to dive into the snug especially late at night when most damage is done.
I will forward you a detailed aerobic training programme when I get the time, but for now I must rush – the wife is blowing the horn in the driveway….. She is taking me down to get my swine flu injection.

Is Mise Le Meas

James A. Archer

PS. What is Nama?



Dail Eireann

Dear Taoisech

I am hopping mad!
I did not intend to write to you so soon but the matter deserves instant action. The IMF are waiting in Dublin bay, the whole country is up in arms after the McCarthy report, Willie O Dea is selected as one of the most attractive men in shoe leather…….. and the black clouds of revolution are gathering !

And what do you do
Take off your cloths on YOU TUBE.
I’m raging! Raging!
Here was I thinking that you had taken yourself away to a quiet little corner to consider my earlier proposals or indeed that you might even be tucked away in the snug in Tullamore blasting out a few verses of the Rocks of Bawn.
No you were stripping off for YOU TUBE.
When I think of it , if DeValera or Lemass were alive today they’d be dancing in their graves.
You have besmirched the name of this proud nation …. THE LAND OF SAINTS AND SCHOLARS!
You are a disgrace not only to Ireland but to the Offaly jersey and your rehabilitation after this outrage will be slow and tortuous.
When the wife saw you “performing” she said you could be going through the male menopause but I think myself you picked up those antics at Trinity! God know what goes in there.
Oh when I think of you stripping off in front of the world and Willie picking up awards the words of Mr Yeats comes flooding into my mind.
“Two terrible beauties were born”
I’ll go now ……… the wife has my blood pressure tablets ready for me.

Mise le Meas

James A Archer

PS Please tell me it was not you but an impersonator to restore my faith in mankind.


Second letter to the Taoiseach

The Taoiseach
Dail Eireann
Date as postmark
Dear Taoiseach,

I was very pleased that you responded to my last letter so swiftly and that you are setting up a joint Oireachtas committee to examine my suggestions.
To follow up I have another idea that you may consider and I would never have thought of it myself only that I was looking at The National Geographic station on the telly and low and behold what crops up on the screen before my eyes but a smaller version of our own greyhounds. About twenty per cent smaller…….
“Jez” said I, wouldn’t these fellows be ideal for people living in apartments, flats and bed sets.
Only one problem- these greyhound are in Guatemala!
And then I thought that you could send a delegation from the Dail headed up the Ceann Comhairle John O Donaghue. (a man with a good greyhound background in Kerry and handy with a bob - our bobs). I ‘m pretty sure these Dail boys could pick up a job lot of greyhounds at the right price. When I did further research I found out that Porto-Nova is the official capital of Guatemala but the government sit in Cotonou……. Ideal I thought these fellows are as confused as ourselves!
NAMA - remember you set them up - will have bags of fields and no idea what to do with them .
Taoiseach here is your answer!
Build greyhound stadiums on these fields all over the country – the construction alone will immediately take one hundred thousand off the live register. Like Mr Lowry don’t bother your ass about planning permission. The organisation and training of these hounds would be based on the GAA model ……..county by county basis.
The idea would be that we would have a kind on an All-Ireland for greyhounds.
Heats could be run off in the new stadiums and a selection committee could then select the teams of dogs to represent the county. Naturally the greyhounds would wear the county colours. Red for Cork …. Blue for the Dublin hounds etc …
The points system would be easy …….
Six points for a win…
Five for second and so on
Each team would consist of six greyhounds and three subs. The team with the greatest number of points would be crowned the All-Ireland champions. Instead of issuing medals the idea would be to give every hound a slab of Madra dog food …well in keeping with the Irish theme.
Paddy Power would be in charge of the betting.
If by chance any tourist strayed into the country to see the racing it could be explained that the Kilkenny dogs are actually dogs and not cats …. Lest they think we are blinkin mad!
Taoiseach, I am sure that by now I have established my credentials as a lateral thinker of exceptional talent, perhaps you might consider me for a small advisory role in the department…… I don’t even want a motor car!
I have to go now because the wife is ringing the GP to get my medication reduced.
Mise le Meas
James A. Archer

James A Archer


First letter to the Taoiseach

The Taoiseach
Dail Eireann
Date as postmark

Dear Taoiseach,
It is with great pleasure and a deep sense of duty to you and to my country that I am writing to you today. As people like you good self are removed from the harsh reality of living on the ground, I would like to be your eyes and ears and keep you informed and advised of the policies that would find favour with the ordinary man in the street, and thereby keep you in office.
Here are this months recommendations
All citizens to be given a greyhound by the state. This would produce many and varied benefits – every family would be forced to walk the greyhound winter and summer thereby increasing the family activity graph by a significant percentage. This would have the knock on effect of reducing weight, decreasing heart and stoke victims and reducing the entire heath bill for the country. It would also aid the greyhound industry and the vets would not do too badly either.
The second suggestion is to grant a 20% increase on all winning betting dockets written out in Irish – help to revive the language. How good would a revival of Irish look on your CV.

May I offer these suggestions to you and hope you will see the sense of implementing them – I will be available for consultation should you require further information, you can get me on my mobile anytime. I will forward suggestions re the recession (remember we are in one) in the near future.
Lateral Thinking is here to stay.
Is mise le meas.

James A. Archer
PS : The greyhounds would be compelled to have Irish names as well.